The butterflies

 I missed the butterflies. I felt so broken that'd I started to wonder if they're escaping or just not there to begin with. My insides were rotten and everything made me so tired and angry and confused.

The feeling of not feeling I am what used to make me made me sad. Will I ever return to me? Did I just change and I need to accept this new me?

Everyday was a new challenge trying to firuge it out. The social butterfly, the flirty teasy girl were gone.

Before I realized months have passed and I was taking my time, enjoying my own company and feeling that'd just had to be sufficient.

It was, I think it should always be enough- you with your own thoughts doing the things you like without having to satisfy or comply to others.

But here I am again wanting to be social, wanting to be around people, feeling the butterflies again and felling attracted to someone.

It was not imeadiate, I never really thought it'd happend with you. Yet, here I am wanting to text you, tell you about my day, wanting to be with you, hear you, tease you, being teased by you. I just slide into a comfortable zone when I'm with you and there's absolutely no limits. Thank you for bringing my butterflies back, or maybe they just needed to be awaken.

Another LSD trip?

 Somehow twelve hours passed equally fast and slow, in a distinct universe where I could float far far away from our common reality. A whole world was happening outside and it just felt unreal. Inside was far better- colours were brighter, this time not a spectrum tho, they were lines that kept on changing and moving like waves; sensations were deeper, every touch felt like an explosion of pleasure; I tried to reach for my sensation of smell sometimes, I think it was the only time when I really missed it, I guess it would be complementary to the whole experience, the understanding of what kind of smells were our bodies emaning; my audition was mostly with the background music that always sets the mood, which it was changing a lot, I guess I felt the need to as things were also constantly changing.

I understood that two people can live two very different perspectives on the same experience and still be in sync. I was much more sensitive and contemplative, Matt was more down to earth rethinking more ample philosophic sort of matters and having contact with the outside world.

As my brain was going into a million directions I found it difficult to concentrate in what he was saying. Matt was talking quite a lot, interesting matters that kept me thinking but it was hard to put it out there. I was constantly getting lost in the words but finding track of conversation through gestures, facial expressions or simply refocusing on his eyes. Everything is connected and energy is flowing so you can pick up on a different parts of the spiral.

The painting had life and so had the projection on the wall. At some point I can swear we were looking at, not the stars, but the full galaxy and our bodies and souls were only the continuation of it- a small small part but fundamental to keep it going.

A single touch between us could take multiple directions or even switch through all. We could slide on each other's bodies and take pleasure with all tiny bits of it. Every slow movement was an explosion inside, I could feel everything. There was an instant where I truly felt it was the best sex of my life, I don't know if that's completely truth because the present is always the most imperative, if I'm living this experience now I'm going to feel it to the most, and of course the LSD helped but really the most satisfying thing in a sexual connection is to see the other is enjoying you. In the same way I take pleasure into touching, kissing or just traveling through Matt's body, he was doing the same. I was enjoying all parts of him on me and the pleasure was even overwhelming, like a continuous orgasm that was going further and further each time. My body was tired but the libido was high, I think we had sex for 6 hours. Could it be? On and off but still! It's pretty normal bodies start to get tired and so does our intimate parts but can libido overcommit? I sure start to think so, although for men might work slightly differently.

Although sex was a big part of our interaction, it was not the only kind. At some points things were flowing from sexual to simple affection and the enjoyment of the warmth skin of the other on yours. I noticed myself smiling wide open several times as i was feeling an enormous content about everything. Dancing all of the sudden seemed a very valid option when Latin music started playing, I needed to act on the rhythm inside of me and it was just becautiful. Clumsy as well, not gonna lie, but still perfect.

After all we're pretty tired and eager to sleep but I couldn't have a well rested night. Still, I don't feel exactly tired, instead I feel more relaxed and appreciative of my reality. It was a beautiful journey.

LSD trip

I felt this LSD experience should be written apart as it was way more intense. This one I did it with a couple with who I've been sexual involved before. They have an open relationship and want to experience other people together or apart. We are pretty much in the same page of wanting a connection and not only something sexual and unattached so it worked pretty well in a very respectful and connecting way our first time together. I experienced some kind of 3-way relationship, we cuddled, made pancakes and watched a movie in the next morning even.

So they invited me to take LSD with them in his house.

I did not now what was going to happened but I knew something sexual would come with it eventually.

I brought with me a vibrating egg with remote. Mar (the girl) inserted it and I was controlling it. It was a nice "apettizer"!

When the effect starting kicking I wanted to being outside in the balcony. Mo's house has a nice view with plenty of trees and although I would feel way more comfortable in that moment between them, it was enough just to appreciate it with my sight. Colours were starting to change slowly and my body feeling different.

While outside I was still controlling the egg and we were having some fun before telling him. With she did sooner than expected. So I went inside and we experimented different vibrations and it's effect. We switched it to me and it was feeling better than normally. At this point we were just observing, counting the vibration modes and evaluating them. Of course tension starts to built-up and kisses happened.

LSD has a kind of continuous high that lasts long, and divided the effect is better. So we took another piece after about an hour and at some point all of us started to engage sexually. First with the egg and then touching ourselves.

We did put a blanket and some pillows in the floor along with some music. Closed the curtains and some lights and the environment was a sexual vibe. Every touch felt great and even if nobody was touching me I was having pleasure. From touching them, from just watching... Or even if I was giving her pleasure I was feeling I was giving it to me as well. It was like we were all connected.

Every penetration felt deeper and every nerve of my body responded to it. Watching her expression seeing me with Mo and feeling herself was amplifiying my own as well. The constant pleasure was better than having an orgasm, I didn't feel the need to do so but the energy was so high that we all felt it was too much for our bodies. We would stop now and then but without never stoping to touch one another.

I couldn't stop touching her mostly, giving her oral pleasure it was liking giving it to me. After a while she orgasmed and the way she described it, I was kind of jealous. "I didn't know it was possible to feel so much pleasure".

Colours were changing again, this time I was seeing the rainbow and the same pattern everywhere.

Faces and bodies were changing as well, felt a bit extraterrestrial. Suddenly, we had the need to stand up, walk, dance and focus on different things.

Filling my cup with water to drink, I felt I was watching a movie when they are on drugs and you see strange colours, distorted figures and everything feels a bit dizy. I was in a movie! The tap was amplifiying as I came closer.

We didn't pay much attention to the time but Mo said we should take the third piece so we did and not so long after that he said a friend was coming. It didn't felt right. Someone would burst our bubble? I would have to dress myself? They said it wasn't necessary as she knew exactly how was an LSD trip and she engaged sexually with them before. Still didn't feel right but it was not my house.

I did put only a pillow in front of me and listened first to some voices and then saw two strange figures in the dark. They looked like little people with down sindrome. His friend Cheryl came in after, turned on the light and opened the window saying the room smelled like sex. In my fully innocence and high I expressed I wasn't comfortable and asked them to leave. I guess she felt offended, told us we were being rude and asked us to go to the room and change. Her friends said they would turn around and not look. All felt weird, me and Mar naked in the floor with something only covering our intimate parts and breasts were talking in secret as we didn't understand what the hell was going on.

I covered us with the blanket and we went to the room. Mo followed us a bit after saying he did not get what was going on either and maybe it was bad communication. He joined them in the living room and I tried to continue the mood with Mar without much success. She was feeling bad and uncomfortable, just wanted them to leave. It was even a strange sensation of Mo's friend being territorial and Mar didn't like it. She called Mo inside and asked him to expell them of the house. I was just feeling bad for him, after all he was high as fuck and had to deal with it. After what it felt like 15min they left and we runed to the living room again, our space, turned off the lights and closed the window.

Mar was feeling confused and sad so we talked a bit about it but left things for the next day as we wouldn't solve or understand anything during our high, obviously!

We started to see the trail of our hands and different objects in the air. Our skins looked like they were full of spots like the universe. Everything was a discovery.

We engaged sexually again and I started to feel a lot of love thought them and for them. Maybe because of what happened before or because I felt she was just maddly in love with him... I kind of had the need to protect Mar. I was seeing her as this loving caring person who didn't deserve any bad that could come in her direction. I was admiring her beauty inside and out. I was just enchanted by her.

At some point I thought that it all made sense, to be there with them. I was feeling their love and understanding it. I even thought a three way relationship would be the best of all. Imagining that one doesn't feel sexual active some day but the other two do, it all fits. As well with emotions, women just understand it better and at some point as Mar needed to cry I decided to be there for her and pass her good energy when Mo didn't know exactly how to deal with it although he knows her better.

Overall it was a beautiful energy flowing experience. I must say that the end, when it's wearing off, it doesn't feel great. It's like a heavy head pain combined with a indiposition. Our heads didn't stop but we were drained of energy. I closed my eyes for a while to focus and calmed down. I was kind of dreaming while awake. After calming down a bit I started to feel sexual again but Mar was not into it although Mo was so we started to touch each other as she revealed it wasn't comfortable for her and raised some insecurities.

At this point it was a bit frustrating, of course I wanted to respect her but in the same time I was suuuuper horny. I moved to the other room and had fun with myself and THE EGG. The thing is I wanted to share it with them so I came back and we manage to engage her into it.

All was good until he started to penetrate me, she ran out crying and he comforted her.

After all, my high innocence of thinking a three way relationship being perfect was not focused on feelings.

I finished myself and she did as well in a way (as she needed a good cry) and they came back to sleep.

My head still felt agitated and I wanted to smoke. Started to prepare things to roll a joint when I discovered I didn't had papers... What to do? I really wanted to end the night with a joint. Still I went in the balcony to enjoy some fresh air and saw my friend Barbara was online. Felt the hurge to call her and listen to her voice, it felt so good. But why was she awake, I asked. I undertood she was having a sexual experience of herself and it all made sense, we felt so connected. And guess what, she went out to smoke a joint as well, I was so jealous...

So after hanging up, I left the house to buy some and suddenly I had this burst of energy, was even smilling in the street at 5:30am. Arrived in the gas station and it wasn't open. What to do???? Aproched the first person that I saw and DING DING DING, he had papers. I wanted to hug the man!

I came back to the house smilling again and ended my night with a joint and the feeling of warm in my heart as it was a beautiful connecting experience that seemed it went on for days.

Drug experiments

I committed to experiment some different drugs and their effects. I'm now in Netherlands and it seems to be a good place to do so.

I experimented coke, truffles and LSD for the first time.

Let's start with coke... Supposedly the drug of the rich, right? Gives you a lot of energy and focus. Well, to me it's not worth it at all. Only kept me a bit more awake and even made me a bit indisposed. I really don't like the taste and the feeling that stays in the nose after sniffing it. So, I don't get the big fuss. Shoud I pay 60€, or ok, at least 30€ divided if I want to feel awake? No thank you, I'll take a coffe or a nap.

Moving to truffles, I was curious about this one because it's so similar to mushrooms and I really love their effect. To take this type of drugs I really advise it to be done in an open environment, in the nature, with not many people around. Of course the other experience I related it was good as well, very good, but I feel this drugs are made for us to appreciate more the nature and how does it connects with ourselves.

So I took them in a lake and it couldn't have been better as the weather was just perfect. How is it possible in middle September in Netherlands I really don't know, but the circumstances were just perfect.

In the beggining somehow I always feel a bit sick, my belly feels strange, but after a while it disappeares and I start to notice things more. Colours become brighter, shapes become special, and all senses are hiped.

I was not so excited about taking it late because in the dark I wouldn't appreciate it so much... It was even better. The sunset colours were marvellous and in the dark we managed to appreciate other things.

Two of the things I enjoyed the most were being in the water kind of dancing, doing movements with my body and swing the reflection in the water. Picking a leaf and passing touching the surface of the lake. Felt so simple and beautiful in the same time.

We had this colorful balls that changed to the colour we wanted. For some reason I was so connected to the blue. Also green, but the blue was definitely attracting me. Seeing the ball reflection in the water was magical and passing the ball through my body was feeling so good.

I was feeling beautiful. I was in my bikini, and recently I don't feel in my perfect shape, even so I was feeling the most pretty I ever been.

I left the water when it was pretty dark and moved to the more dark part of the forest were I was just appreciating the sky, the trees and myself with the blue ball. I was freely dancing and enjoying myself without any care if other people could see me.

During this trip I was fully connected with myself and committed to let things come to me.

My friend Barbara told me she had some experiences meditating, such as seeing her guardian angel and other figures. I started to see a figure as well looking into the dark. It was a brownd woody female figure and I wanted to discover more but in the same time was scared of it so eventually I sent it away.

Later we started to meditate together and it was, no doubt, one of the most beautiful but scaring experiences I had. I felt my energy connected to Barbara. I felt she was chanaling me to access something in the universe. At some moments I even felt she was using too much of my energy and felt the need to call her to earth. She wouldn't stop tho, eventually I felt we were having a intimate transcendental experience. I was seeing her body and her beauty marks. Thing is, I started to feel other body as well, one that I don't know and it scared me again so I snapped out of it. Later it all made sense as she told me she was having an intimate experience of herself with another person.

It makes me think we can access things we don't even know we're capable of.

Emotionally attached

 -Being emotionally attached to someone means having feelings of concern and care for someone, and not wanting the friendship or relationship to end. It’s an emotional connection to another person. It does not necessarily mean that you are dependent upon a person, and, in fact, it is a quite normal human response to meeting and spending time with someone who makes you happy.-

Sometimes the feeling isn't mutual or it is and it can be scary- that's the barrier in many cases. Why should it be a problem? Love comes in different ways, there's not only the romantic love but the friendship or even through a beautiful connection you can show love.

I choose to give love, that's the only way I know how.

Once a friend told me: be a friend but without showing affection. That was said in a different language so the meaning is not exactly this but it's similar. So, how exactly do you do it? Can you be a friend without showing affection? Because I can't. I care about my friends and show love towards them. It is as simple as that, I learned that I should express my emotions and not suppress them. I learned emotions are beautiful and meant to be known.

Often when I put them out there I can get hurt. Can happen. But should I do it in another way? Absolutely not. If someone doesn't respect my emotions maybe is not worth it of them anymore. And that's how you learn I guess.

People have a certain role in our lives, all of them without exception. All teach something even if it has a bad impact on us it will be transformed into something positive in the future because you absorbe it, understand it and act better next time with more and more knowledge.

Travelling on a budget

I've been traveling for quite some time now on my own. It was when I did a car trip through Portugal with a few close friends that I figured out beauty is everywhere and it needs to be explored.

I traveled before with my parents but it always felt more of a duty than something really pleasurable. It may not make a lot of sense.. I can explain: if an authority figure tells you to do something, you'll not want to and even if it's good for you you'll not see it. At least as a child it was like this. Difficult one, I know!

From the moment I started making my own decisions and saw the world on my own, I could not stop. There's so much out there, starting in your own country. Because let's face it, if you don't know your country, you might as well not even tell me you love traveling.

What is traveling? Is it taking a bunch of pictures in a new country. If it is your own it doesn't count?

Traveling is much more than that, I dare to say it's not even that. It's more than anything having new experiences, living!

So when people ask me how can I travel so much, how can I have the money for it, it's due to the fact I'm not doing the same type of travel most of people do.

I don't have much money so I get creative and it wouldn't be fun otherwise. Since I discovered couchsurfing I don't want other thing- is a great way to meet new people and listen to incredible and different stories than you are used to. It's a way to find out about the best places in city or what to do as well. I'm not talking about turistic places but the real ones.

With couchsurfing I hiked a mountain with 2845m, I went to a nudist beach and I saw the most amazing multimedia show projected on a cathedral. But sitting in a couch having a conversation can take you to wonderful places as well.

Pay attention, this is not a free Airbnb. Couchsurfing is about sharing, so if you are not available to do it, might as well book an hostel. Take some time to do a typical dish from your home country or teach about some costumes for example.

Hitchhiking is another amazing thing to do if you are traveling on a budget, but once again- if you're not paying for the gas, you're paying with share, humor, love. You get the most amazing stories on the road, you see all kinds of people.

Most amazing story with hitchhiking I had? A Turkish truck driver leaving his truck to help me finding another ride ON THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD- if this isn't a pure heart eiger to help I don't know what is.

I got other drivers that stopped in beautiful places just for me to take a picture... This is the beauty of the world. You are putting yourself in danger, no doubt, you are trusting blind, yes, but so is the driver. So, if you think about it... This is a beautiful trust test we are giving to humanity!

Besides this two options there's also a bunch of opportunities abroad you can take like volunteering- with Eramus+, Workway, WOOFF, World Packers and much more. You just have to look and be open to new experiences.

I don't value so much the turist travel type, I value really getting to know a country so I take experiences that allow me to get to know more the culture and the local people. Living in a country is the best way to do so.

Of course another question that pops to people is... Aren't you afraid to travel alone, I mean, as a girl? The answer is, I was in the beggining but once you overcomed your initial fear you are able to see it was just a big fuss. Sure I had bad experiences, they're also part of the pack. They constitute great stories with time and you can even laugh from it.

It's important to be careful, don't get me wrong, I am, but I prefer to continue knowing bad things can happen, otherwise I wouldn't live the good ones.

The end of an adventure

On the second day with the new family I figured out I should go, I wasn't doing anything in China. Everything I could enjoy giving the situation I already did so to stop my parents concerns I talked with Yuan and we bought the ticket to come back. She was amazing, gave me the money of the ticket and still some more for me to eat in the airport and for the bus there.
One day before my flight the government announced they would close the border with Zhuhai. Believe the irony!! I'm glad we bought the ticket before as the prices rised up to the stars... So, I came to the airport (where I'm now waiting for my flight) one day before. I didn't get any sleep this night and as I couldn't stay any longer or I would go insane.. I went to Hong Kong city against all my parents and friends advices. Even me, I was a bit scared but the truth is that in Hong Kong it's not bad, I was careful and all... That's it. I'm glad I went. Next 14 days will be passed at home once again as I have to do a period of quarentene just for precaution.
Anyway, I absolutely loved Hong Kong and it's such a shame I just had one day. There's so much more to see.. maybe next time when I come back to China. Who knows...
Hong Kong is a mix of two very different cultures- Chinese and English. You can perfectly see the English influence. They drive on the same side, you see the London buses on the streets, international people, the hurry to get somewhere... And chinese, the temples, gardens, language, cuisine and people's attitude. It's such a beautiful mixed. I was just delighted, couldn't stop taking photos at every street. It was a mixed between skyscrapers and decadent houses with chinese characters or spring lanterns that bring beauty to everything.
I found it particularly funny the quantity of cards that forbids things like "No spiting"- because yes, they spit a loooot!; "No smoking" in OPEN ENVIRONMENTS which I gotta love, "No sitting"... Ok, so next, no breathing ahah.
I stopped in a garden where a group of old men was playing a board game like chess, couldn't figure out what was it but I was there observing for a few minutes. I couldn't help but finding that beautiful. I'm imagining that like their ritual. 2 men play and the others observe without saying a word.
Also, around the city I kept on finding people working out- running or doing Tai Chi- with a peaceful aura like they don't care whatever is happening around them. I found this people in the most randoom places like a terrace, botanical garden, arbor, plaza....
So yes, really liked Hong Kong but of course, me being me... I was lost a bunch of times and it's ok, I ended up seeing other things but maybe I missed out some others. And because I walked soooo much because I was supposed to and because I got lost.. I couldn't visit more. I had to stop, each part of my body was sowred. Coming back to the airport I kept looking for some special food to bring to my family. Here they eat a lot of dry food. It's kind of smart really, they can storage it for longer... So I wanted to buy for them to try- some dry meat, dry fruit and a few chocolates Yuan gave me. I think they're gonna like :)
And that's it for this adventure. I already have agreed on a earlier date with my Australian family (20s of march) so I'm excited and I have good feelings about it!!